The light in me acknowledges the all that’s wrong with you
Yeah I know that’s not a very high frequency thought at all. Yet, it doesn’t matter how much I would like to be this super conscious, compassionate person – that’s not how I feel right now.
So not much has happened lately really with respect to us working on intimacy. And then it all exploded into this huge fight and MY GOD…We are so totally not reaching each other right now.
My husband is convinced that I am not interested in sex anymore and that I probably never will be interested again. He says it has to do with biology. Something about women over thirty, or women having become mothers. I was seriously too angry to pay complete attention to his theory.
Could it be easier for a man to convince himself that a woman is not interested in sex AT ALL to avoid facing the fact that she might not be interested in sex WITH HIM! And no, this does not mean he is not “good in bed” or that she doesn’t find him attractive. Or that she might not become interested in having sex with him at another point in time. God, why is this so hard to understand?!!
It’s like “You-don’t-want-me-so-something-has-to-be-wrong-with-you”
If we just have sex, everything would be fine again
But I AM interested in sex WITH HIM. And I would like to work through some issues I think we are having as a couple and that I am having as a woman and as a person around sex and intimacy. Actually I think I have misunderstood sex for as long as I have been practicing it, which is one of the reasons we are in this place right now.
What I am thinking is that by working on our issues as a couple and mine as a person I could relax enough to open up again. And no, I am not saying we have to solve everything (my God, this lifetime is not enough for that to happen). I am saying I want to acknowledge that there is some shit there and not just ignore it – you know by closing my eyes and thinking about something else, getting to the orgasm in order to not feel the painful parts of myself anymore, wait for him to get his and then start breathing again when it’s all over.
What he is saying is that if we just have sex everything will fall into place and solve itself afterwards.
What I hear is that he just wants to get into my pants or he will leave.
He said that. He wants a divorce if we don’t start having sex sort of now. Hearing that I feel pressured and then I contract
So what I hear is that he is really suffering from this.
I think we both are and that we have a relationship problem.
I am happy to explore why but that could take some time. And I would actually be cool with him finding someone else to sleep with if he is suffering like this from not having sex. I don’t want to say no to sex AND also not let him have it with someone else.
Besides, if he does that then maybe I would feel less pressured and then I could relax more.
Before I would have felt threatened by him sleeping with someone else but I don’t feel threatened by “just sex” right now because I want that and more with him. And if him sleeping with someone else can increase the chance of me having that with him – then awesome.
So I’m thinking that “the light in me acknowledges the all that’s wrong with you” WHICH is sort of giving me a clue that I am not at all as aware as I would like to be right now.
So I scheduled a session with Rachel Richards from Embodied Intimacy and as always she helps me look at all this from a greater perspective. And also she hears me and gives me empathy and compassion and that makes it so much easier for me to be able to give this to my husband which is what I really want. I want us both to get compassion.
How men and women are wired
During the session Rachel told me something that really made me go “ahaaa”; I might not be telling it correctly but it had to do with women needing to go through their upper chakras to get to the heart, to open up, feel safe and have sex.
Men however come to their heart via their lower chakras. So we want the EXCACT same thing it is just that we take different roads to get there.
Another thing coming up during the session was that I might be sort of stuck in the mindset of “him just wanting to get into my pants”. But what he is actually wanting is to be with me from his heart (he just expresses it differently and he might not recognize that what he wants is to be with me “from his heart”. I can hear him say; No, I just want sex! =) ).
So what he wants is to be intimate with me. Which is exactly the same thing I want. He is saying “if we are not gonna be intimate I want a divorce” which is so understandable because I don’t wanna be in a relationship without intimacy either.
(About the chakras; I think it might be more correct to talk about “feminie sexulity” and “masculine sexuality” instead of “women” and “men” and I am looking forward to learning more about all this. Right now the way I interpreted what Rachel said was helpful even if I don’t grasp it all or might have misunderstood it)
Safety, risk taking and fear
Rachel was also mentioning this balance between safety and risk taking. Risk taking to feel that thrill or aliveness. And how she honors and understands the importance for me to feel safety and to stand up for how I want it but how my husband and I might also be stuck in stubbornness of “my perspective is the only right one”.
And she asked me how I would feel taking a little bit more of a risk, without compromising my boundaries of course but to get a little bit further away from my comfort zone. YES! I loved that idea! I want more aliveness! I love taking risks. I think this might have caused me taking risks in sexual relationships before. But back then without any kind of awareness that their even existed something called “personal boundaries” let alone how to communicate them.
One way to do this could be to take our belly2belly practice a little bit further. In our case we could do what we have been doing so far but without clothes on. And maybe involving some more sensitive body parts. It is not that Rachel said we “should” do this but she asked me how I would feel about it and YES YES YES. I want to do that! I know it might get uncomfortable and that I might have to face some fears. Those fears that have been making me contract before. But this is EXACTLY what I want to explore. And I know now that I can simply say “stop” or “slow down” if I need to.
But then there was this fear coming up immediately. What if I experience fear and I communicate this to my husband. I know from before that he might feel rejected then. That it is not always easy for him to see that my fears might not have anything to do with him. It might not even have anything to do with sex.
When I tell him I am experiencing fear he takes it personally and then he also gets scared. And as always when I get stuck like this Rachel beautifully guides me forward. And she reminded me that it is not always necessary to communicate my fear to him. Oh wow, of course. I can also hold space for myself. Compassion and empathy doesn’t necessarily have to come from outside. I can get that from inside myself. I can hold my own fear. This is part of what I am practicing in the Inner Loving Presence Process course I am doing.
So again, not crossing my boundaries but to explore the uncomfortableness, breathing into it. Communicating to my husband if I need to slow down or stop but not necessarily WHY. I can take that with myself. Or with Rachel or the beautiful support group that is in the Inner Loving Presence Process course! This is so liberating and empowering to remember!
There is no such thing as failure
And it is also so liberating to remember another thing that Rachel mentioned; to not get scared if something uncomfortable comes up or if it is not all passion and pleasure.
This is one of my biggest misunderstandings about intimacy that I am reframing right now. Being physically intimate doesn’t have to mean “oh my god he is so sexy and I am so sexy and we are so enjoying this”. This is why this blog is called Our Imperfect relationship. Inspired by the title of the book “Perfect Love. Imperfect relationships” by John Welwood. To remind me that it is the imperfectness that brings opportunities to grow. And of course this also applies to what happens during sex!
“Learning to have sex as an expression of your deepest being is like learning to play golf, tennis, or the violin. You have good days and bad days. Sometimes lovemaking is perfection itself, with genitals, heart, and mind all aligned. Other times sex is scattered, anxious, or wrought with conflict. Even so, there is no such thing as failure; every moment is a learning, every closure an opportunity to learn how to open in love” – “Finding God through sex” by David Deida
So we actually can both have our way
I want to have sex with my husband. But I want all of it this time. Mind, body and soul. Communication and exploration of feelings and boundaries. He wants sex and is not necessarily interested in sharing uncomfortable feeling first. And this way we could both have our way. We can practice being together and I can communicate my needs to him and my feelings I could hold space for myself. (And if not then of course communicate that I would need to stop).
And so step by step we might finally meet in that place where we both want to be. In a place where we both are individuals, interdependent but not dependent on each other. At least I think this is what I want. I am slowly exploring and learning all this from the beginning.
Vibrate the Cosmos. The Cosmos shall clear the path
Besides being in love with my husband I am also in love with Kundalini Yoga and these days when I had so much anger I was thinking about one of the five sutras of Kundalini Yoga; “Recognize that the other person is you”. And I couldn’t. With the support of Rachel I might see a little glimpse of that.
Right now I am more interested in another of the Kundalini Yoga sutras though; “Vibrate the Cosmos. The Cosmos shall clear the path.” I will use this to remember to make sounds. When I want to explore my feelings with my husband I will make sounds and see where it takes me.
Now, why am I bothered by him wanting to get into my pants….? Am I scared he just might without my permission and am I then again projecting my own shadow onto him. Am I really afraid I will let him into my pants without my permission…Looking forward to exploring that some more…but for now, I will get naked with my husband…for the first time in a long time.